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Feb. 5th, 2009

its been some time

I haven't been active in this journal for some time. Recently I have been very busy in college finishing up my degree, and also preparing to move to my next destination. I don't know where that is as of yet, but I'm more than sure it is going to be with my loving boyfriend. Yeah I'm flaunting him, because honestly I have never had a better one in my life time. I have hardly any time on here to blog anymore, and also I fear that people will read this journal and misunderstand why I use it. Either way my friend Jenna is having her birthday this week I think, and so I had to come on and wish her Happy Birthday. We haven't been keeping in touch, but that is how life is. It takes weird twists and turns and some times you don't speak for a while or ever again. I still have not stopped being her friend though. Oh yeah and I go all over the place in my journals that is something that I have always done. I'm not a writer, as you may have already guessed and I'm not into cyber sex. HELLO because I have a boyfriend, but everyone I have seen that does cyber sex has excellent descriptive typing skills. OHYEAH and I never read books other than my home work, I like to read books that are educational.....I dont know why but I hate tv shows and most fictional novels.  Blah anyways, life has had its ups and downs lately but I'm still here and I'm about to go to bed soon. Starting another day, and I still need to lose about 50lbs. GAH



Aug. 10th, 2008

loose body fat

 burn 4,000.00 calories for 1 pound of body fat.

I have been up to the usual lately, and well I'm still heavy as ever. I started working out again today, it has been over a month since I have worked out. I worked out for about 1/2 hour with weights first then the treadmill. I pulled my calf muscle and so I had to stop, before I tear it and forced myself into an early working out retirement. I have not heard for months from my friend Jenna, I'm going to assume that she must have gotten rehabilitated or I would of heard back from her.
I hope that she is happy and fine with who is is. :)

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 9 months now, and everything is going really well. He tells me so many beautiful meaningful words that he means. I have never in my life had someone as honest and handsome as him.

As far as my body image is concerned. I'm working on reducing my calories to 900 a day, and work outs 5 times a week. That is what Victoria Secret models do. I hate VS, but what the fuck...I will try the workout and see what happens.
ooo I'm moving to a new apartment soon :D That should be exciting, and also I'm going to be graduating in the Spring 2009.
Hope you are all well, and take care


Apr. 28th, 2008


food intake:

1 piece of steak (palm sized) i didn't finish it
1 medium salad, avacodo, croutons, romaine, and basamic light dressing.
1 large orange
1 quarter piece of water mellon
10 peanuts


Apr. 27th, 2008




Jan. 2nd, 2008

SWEET ass LOL Suck It Off mmmmmm




So anyways I'm the fattest I have ever been so today I'm going to do a 13 day fast..... only drinking fluids and maybe chewing gum......... 

and I'm going to roller break and walk.... maybe run on my tredmill.... and then use the weights in the workout room......



Here is some beautiful NIkki Hilton Thinspo....she is so georgous 

Dec. 28th, 2007




Dec. 23rd, 2007



Dec. 22nd, 2007

30 days to bonez

I wait 30 days alone for my boo. I love him so much it is painful to be away from him. I realized that I can't be alone during this time in my life. I yet again contimplated sucided again... (yeah I can't spell)) and I know I love him...but its so painful to see a calender full of weeks ahead and to knw that I won't be with him..I will be alone.. for x mas and for new years... I will be alone... That is all I have... 

I started starving on the day he left... I strarted sipping liqueqirs and excercising hard for an hour everuyday... the alcohol kills the pain of my muscles... because I can barely walk the pain is so bad... so drinking makes the pain go away.... and also makes me cry....

I wish to be bone thin I will become bone thin... and I will just strive on 

Dec. 5th, 2007

Is a Fatty Not for Long

So my life has been in turmoil since I wrote in here last. I came out of a realtionship where I was domestically abused for 3 years on and off. Then from there I dated a guy whom fucked me on my birthday and didn't care if I starved to death... So I did... and then after that I started binge drinking and taking hard drugs for about 3-4 months.. I finaly got my wakeup call when I almost died 2 times int he past month. I was being a little pimp with guys and just drinking away my education and PAIN. Instead of comming to an understanding of whom I'm... i just gave up... I tried commiting suicide 3 months ago.. to no avail... and I have the scarification to always remeber that occasion. 

anyways now I have a boyfriend whom loves me... he hasn't said it but I can tell... and we have been together for a total of abut 1 week...coming on two...

I have not talked to any of my friends for so long,,,, I had been just boozing and being recklass... I still have a lot of finding myself to do....

Now the first steps to finding myself are....:
1. using my journel everyday
2. gathering my classes together
3. meditation and relaxation
4. Taking care of Bills and apartment situations
5. Making Love and great friendships
6. staying clean and SOBER.... which I already have made this goal....

One of the first things that I want to start doing again is getting off the computer and going outside for walks, writting in my journel, and eating very little.....

I hate eating, I hate watching people eat... I hate eating in public... I hate it when people look at me eating....




Oct. 29th, 2007

It has been a while <3

Sorry people,

Well anyways I made my goals but then I got kinda happy with a guy and he convinced me to eat a little more; and with my will power I decided to enjoy a little for a week. I'm right now taking the power back, not like it really went that far from its goal but you know any little slip of the power feels like an eternity....I suck at spelling oh well.... anyways yeah I have been bashing myself a lot lately bacause I can feel all of my fat. I guess I need to get off the computer and move more, and eat less..calories,,,,,,blah.. I guess make more thinspo use my journel more.... I'm gonna do that starting today.....

It always seems like I have so many things in my path, Priorities PEOPLE.....lol


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